Love

August 16, 2024

Arguably, some of the most beautiful words ever written about love can be found in St. Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. 

"Love is patient, love is kind.  It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.  It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never fails." (1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NAB¹).

The topic of love is something I have thought about often and initially I was going to write a bit about the four main types of love, the ones you hear about most of the time, Storgḗ, Philía, Érōs and Agápē, and share my thoughts on this page.  The ancient Greeks studied love extensively and denoted these four as well as four others (I call them 'sub-types') which I decided to add to this narrative near the end of the page.

First, let’s take a closer look at the four main types of love, that C. S. Lewis² helps to draw out in his book, 'The Four Loves', published in 1960 and based on a radio series he did with the BBC a few years prior to the book’s release.

Érōs (pronounced AIR-ose) love is the physical, sensual intimacy between a husband and wife. It expresses sexual, romantic attraction.  Eros is also the name of the mythological Greek god of love, sexual desire, physical attraction, and physical love.  Although Érōs does not appear in the New Testament, this Greek term for erotic love is portrayed in the Old Testament book, The Song of Songs which celebrates the romantic aspects of Érōs, poetry written expressing the passionate love of King Solomon for his new bride; and hers for him.

"Let him kiss me with kisses of his mouth, for your love is better than wine, better than the fragrance of your perfumes.  Your name is a flowing perfume—therefore young women love you.  Draw me after you!  Let us run!  The king has brought me to his bed chambers.  Let us exult and rejoice in you; let us celebrate your love: it is beyond wine!  Rightly do they love you!" (Song of Songs 1:2–4)  

Érōs love in the Bible affirms sexuality as a part of the human existence.  We are sexual beings, called to honor God with our bodies:

"Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ?  Shall I then take Christ’s members and make them the members of a prostitute?  Of course not!  [Or] do you not know that anyone who joins himself to a prostitute becomes one body with her?  For “the two,” it says, “will become one flesh.”  But whoever is joined to the Lord becomes one spirit with him.  Avoid immorality.  Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the immoral person sins against his own body.  Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own?  For you have been purchased at a price.  Therefore, glorify God in your body." (1 Corinthians 6:15–20)

God is very clear in his Word that Érōs love is reserved for marriage.  Sex outside of marriage is forbidden.  God created human's male and female and instituted marriage in the Garden of Eden.  Within marriage, sex is used for emotional and spiritual bonding and reproduction.

Different than friendship, lovers, “are always talking to one another about their love” and “are normally face to face, absorbed in each other,” says Lewis.  The danger in romantic love is to follow blindly after a feeling of passion.  Then, we celebrate the passion and think its absence means such love has died.  Certainly, true romance is not so fickle.  Though the feeling is useful.  “The event of falling in love is of such a nature that we are right to reject as intolerable the idea that it should be transitory,” says Lewis.  “In one high bound it has overleaped the massive wall of our selfhood; it has made appetite itself altruistic, tossed personal happiness aside as a triviality and planted the interests of another in the centre of our being.  Spontaneously and without effort we have fulfilled the law (towards one person) by loving our neighbour as ourselves.  It is an image, a foretaste, of what we must become to all if Love Himself rules in us without a rival.”

There’s a reason Scripture teaches this bond of man and woman, from Genesis onward, is the picture of God’s love for the world, and Christ for his bride, the Church.  When we discover afresh that romance is more deeply set than the drivel served up by our culture, then we will more rightly hold our spouse in the model of unconditional love.

Storgḗ (pronounced stor-JAY) love is family love, the affection and the bond among mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, sisters, and brothers.

The Enhanced Strong’s Lexicon³ defines storgḗ love as "cherishing one's kindred, especially parents or children; the mutual love of parents and children and wives and husbands; loving affection; prone to love; loving tenderly; chiefly of the reciprocal tenderness of parents and children."

Storgḗ is a naturally occurring love rooted in parents and children, as well as best friends.  It’s an infinite love built upon acceptance and deep emotional connection.  This love comes easily and immediately in parent and child relationships and manifests itself in unmitigated displays of affection.  Storgḗ is For The Love Of Family.

Affection covers an array of loves.  Like animals, the care of mother to babe is a picture of affection.  It relies on the expected and the familiar.  Lewis describes it as humble.  “Affection almost slinks or seeps through our lives,” he says.  “It lives with humble, un-dress, private things; soft slippers, old clothes, old jokes, the thump of a sleepy dog’s tail on the kitchen floor, the sound of a sewing-machine…”  Affection can sit alongside other loves and often does.  For example, when a man and woman fall in love it is often because of certain affections – a particular location, experience, personality, interest – that begins to wrap around the couple so to make love an expected and familiar part of their shared lives.  It’s the familiarity of, “the people with whom you are thrown together in the family, the college, the mess, the ship, the religious house,” says Lewis.

The affection we have for the people around us, in the normal day-to-day of life, is the majority of the love we experience, even if we don’t label it.

Philía (pronounced FILL-ee-uh) love means close friendship or brotherly love in Greek.  It is one of the four types of love in the Bible.  St. Augustine, Bishop of Hippo (354–430 AD)⁴, understood this form of love to describe a love of equals who are united in a common purpose, pursuit, good, or end.  Thus, philía refers to love based on mutual respect, shared devotion, joint interests, and common values.  It is the love near and dear friends have for one another.

Philía conveys a strong feeling of attraction, with its antonym or opposite being phobia.  It is the most general form of love in the Bible, encompassing love for fellow humans, care, respect, and compassion for people in need.  For example, philía describes the benevolent, kindly love practiced by early Quakers.  The most common form of philía is close friendship.

Friendship has become the love dismissed.  “To the ancients, friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves,” says Lewis, “the crown of life and the school of virtue.  The modern world, in comparison, ignores it.”  Why?  Perhaps it's because we know it’s the most time consuming, the least celebrated, and the one we can live without.

Perhaps too, as Lewis says, “few value it because few experience it.”  Romance lends itself to conception, affection enables us to have a sense of place and belonging, and charity provides a track to redemption.  But friendship doesn’t provide the same level of productivity, if we want to state it in a consumer mindset.  However, Lewis thinks friendship likely has the closest resemblance to Heaven where we will be intertwined in our relationships.  We develop a kinship over something in common and that longing for camaraderie makes friendship all the more wanted.  “Friendship must be about something,” Lewis says, “even if it were only an enthusiasm for dominoes or white mice.  Those who have nothing can share nothing; those who are going nowhere can have no fellow-travelers.”  Think about it too.  Friendships have begun faith movements, developed entire areas of thought, and contributed to many projects from art to business.

Philía is a family word.

"The concept of brotherly affection that unites believers is unique to Christianity.  As members of the body of Christ, we are family in a special sense.

Christians are members of one family—the body of Christ; God is our Father and we are all brothers and sisters.  We ought to have a warm and devoted love for one another that catches the interest and attention of the non-believers.

This close union of love among Christians is only seen in other people as members of a natural family.  Believers are family not in the conventional sense, but in a way that is distinguished by a love that is not seen elsewhere.  This unique expression of love ought to be so attractive that it draws others into the family of God." —Jack Zavada⁶ (2020)

In St. John's gospel, Jesus says, "I give you a new commandment: love one another.  As I have loved you, so you also should love one another.  This is how all will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another." (John 13:34–35)

Agápē (pronounced uh-GAH-pay) love is selfless, unconditional, sacrificial love.  It is love given with no expectation of reciprocity.  It is the highest of the four main types of love found in the Bible.  Agápē love perfectly describes the kind of love Jesus Christ has for His Father and for His followers.

Agápē love is not merely an attribute of God, it is His essence. God is fundamentally love. He alone loves in the completeness and perfection of love:  "Whoever is without love does not know God, for God is love.  In this way the love of God was revealed to us: God sent His only Son into the world so that we might have life through Him.  In this is love: not that we have loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as expiation for our sins." (1 John 4:8–10)

A simple way to summarize Agápē is God's perfect, unconditional love.  Jesus lived out agápē love by sacrificing Himself on the cross for the sins of the world.  Agápē love is more than an emotion.  It is a sentiment that demonstrates itself through actions.  Agápē  is the term that defines God's immeasurable, incomparable love for humankind.  It is His ongoing, outgoing, self-sacrificing concern for lost and fallen people.  God gives this love without condition, unreservedly to those who are undeserving and inferior to Himself.

"Agápē love", says Anders Nygren⁵, "Is unmotivated in the sense that it is not contingent on any value or worth in the object of love. It is spontaneous and heedless, for it does not determine beforehand whether love will be effective or appropriate in any particular case."

This should be our chief aim, the unconditional love of the Father given to us through His Son.  Affection, friendship and romantic love are each the training ground for charity to grow.  It’s also a rival to the three.  Lewis mentions St. Augustine’s deep loss of a friend who says that such desolation is what occurs when we give our heart to anything but God.  “All human beings pass away,” says Lewis.  “Don’t put your goods in a leaky vessel.  Don’t spend too much on a house you may be turned out of.”  Yet, we are made to love, and we are in want of it.  If we play it safe, we are not living out the Gospel, but burying the coin in the safe ground, as the parable says.

Lewis reminds us:  "There is no safe investment.  To love at all is to be vulnerable.  Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken.  If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal.  Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.  But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change.  It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.  The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation.  The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell." C.S. Lewis 'The Four Loves' (1960)

If we think that perhaps love is not worth the sorrow and pain, then we are more pagan than Christian.  Though the fall has invited such selfishness to linger heavy in our culture, ours is the Gospel charge – to go to the nth degree to love those who are broken, not for some vague humanitarian effort, but to make disciples of all nations, "Go, therefore, and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you.  And behold, I am with you always, until the end of the age." (Matthew 28:19-20). Let us ask God to awaken such an abandoned and reckless love to come alive within us."

Philautia, Pragma, Ludus, & Mania

These four (what I term) 'sub-types' of love, are shown here in my own personal ranking of importance.  In my opinion the first three, Philautia, Pragma and Ludus, although rarely discussed in the same breath with the main four types of love, are equally important.  The last one, Mania, not so much.

Philautia (pronounced phee-LAU-tee-ah) is healthy self-love that is not arrogant, egotistical or narcissistic where you recognize your own self-worth and don’t ignore your personal needs.  Self-love begins with acknowledging the responsibility you have for your own well-being.  Without it, it would be challenging to exemplify the outbound types of love because you can’t offer what you don’t have.

Pragma (pronounced PRAG-muh) is a unique bonded love that matures over many years and is the logical evolution of Eros love.  It’s the everlasting love between a couple that chooses to put equal effort into their relationship.  Commitment and dedication are required to reach 'Pragma'.  No longer 'falling in love', you are now 'standing in love' with the partner you want by your side indefinitely.

Ludus (pronounced LU-dus) is a child-like and flirtatious love commonly found in the beginning stages of a relationship (a.k.a. the honeymoon stage).  This type of love consists of teasing, playful motives and laughter between two people.  Although common in young couples, older couples who strive for this love may find their relationship more rewarding.

Mania is an obsessive, unhealthy love towards a partner.  It leads to unwanted jealousy or possessiveness — known as codependency.  Most cases of obsessive love are found in couples with an imbalance of love towards each other.  An imbalance of Eros and Ludus is the main cause of Mania.  With healthy levels of playful and romantic love, the harm of obsessive love can be avoided.

Since I began this narrative with a quote from Sacred Scripture, I want to end it with the beautiful, inspired words written by St. Paul in his first letter to the Corinthians, this time the whole text of Chapter 13.

"If I speak in human and angelic tongues but do not have love, I am a resounding gong or a clashing cymbal.

And if I have the gift of prophecy and comprehend all mysteries and all knowledge; if I have all faith so as to move mountains but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away everything I own, and if I hand my body over so that I may boast but do not have love, I gain nothing.

Love is patient, love is kind.  It is not jealous, it is not pompous, it is not inflated, it is not rude, it does not seek its own interests, it is not quick-tempered, it does not brood over injury, it does not rejoice over wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth.

It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love never fails.  If there are prophecies, they will be brought to nothing; if tongues, they will cease; if knowledge, it will be brought to nothing.

For we know partially and we prophesy partially, but when the perfect comes, the partial will pass away.

When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things.

At present we see indistinctly, as in a mirror, but then face to face. At present I know partially; then I shall know fully, as I am fully known.

So faith, hope, love remain, these three; but the greatest of these is love." (1 Corinthians 13:1-13)

While much of this page is made up of my own musings, giving credit where credit is due, I have relied heavily on the knowledge and writings of following individuals:

¹The New American Bible (from the USCCB)

²C. S. Lewis (1898–1963) was one of the intellectual giants of the twentieth century and arguably one of the most influential writers of his day.  He was a Fellow and Tutor in English Literature at Oxford University until 1954, when he was unanimously elected to the Chair of Medieval and Renaissance Literature at Cambridge University.  

³The Enhanced Strong’s Lexicon---The Exhaustive Concordance of the Bible, generally known as Strong's Concordance, is a Bible concordance, an index of every word in the King James Version, constructed under the direction of James Strong.  Strong first published his Concordance in 1890, while professor of exegetical theology at Drew Theological Seminary.

⁴St. Augustine, Bishop of Hippo (354–430 AD) St. Augustine of Hippo is the patron of brewers because of his conversion from a former life of loose living, which included parties, entertainment, and worldly ambitions.  He was a theologian and philosopher of Berber origin and the bishop of Hippo Regius in Numidia, Roman North Africa. His writings influenced the development of Western philosophy and Western Christianity, and he is viewed as one of the most important Church Fathers of the Latin Church in the Patristic Period. His many important works include The City of God, On Christian Doctrine, and Confessions.

⁵Anders Nygren (15 November 1890 – 20 October 1978) was a Swedish Lutheran theologian.  He was professor of systematic theology at Lund University from 1924 and was elected Bishop of Lund in 1948 (emeritus 1958).  He is best known for his two-volume work Agape and Eros (first published as Eros and Agape in Swedish 1930–1936).

⁶Jack Zavada (Christianity Expert) (M.A., English Composition, Illinois State University; B.S., English Literature, Illinois State University) is a writer who covers the Bible, theology, and other Christianity topics.  He is the author "Hope for Hurting Singles: A Christian Guide to Overcoming Life's Challenges.  Jack is responsible for some of the text interspersed in the descriptions of the four main types of love above.

Zach Kincaid (Zach is a blog contributor on the cslewis.com website and is also responsible for some of the text interspersed in the descriptions of the four main types of love above).

I welcome any comments as long as they are respectful.  I can handle criticism and opposing viewpoints, in fact I encourage them.  Join the discussion on any of my web pages.  Polite, courteous, or neutral comments will be published for everyone else to see.  Comments that are deemed rude, inappropriate, vulgar, hurtful, racist, misogynistic, violent, or sexual (among others) will not be published.  Remember, we can all agree to disagree and still be respectful!